OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
