yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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