Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
