bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
