i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
