im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
