i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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