I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
