at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
