Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Your cock deserves a montage
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
