Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
