on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
