dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Mom said you looked used
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
