My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
