We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
