You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
