There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
