now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
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she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
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Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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