Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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