I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
