Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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