she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
