Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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