He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
