You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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