Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
