I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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