You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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