I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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