So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
this just has baby written all over it
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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