Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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