I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
