hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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