best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
