well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
