Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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