You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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