Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
