My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
