I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
