I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
