Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
