my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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