it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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