When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
