Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
