I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
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