Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
