It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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