i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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