hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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