I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
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I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
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my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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