Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
