At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
