Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
