upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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