Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
