The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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