you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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