we made out on top of his cat.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
